


i'm lonely (just like you)

by cottoncandyboys



Series: Mixtape [5]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:35:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29503515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cottoncandyboys/pseuds/cottoncandyboys
Summary: In order to get a fresh start, Felix moves to New York to live with his cousin, there he meets Jisung.русский язык/russian translation
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix
Series: Mixtape [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1281113
Comments: 12
Kudos: 42
Collections: SKZ Jukebox Fest Round One





	i'm lonely (just like you)

**Author's Note:**

> heyo, first i'd like to thank the skz jukebox mods for all the patience with me and for all their hard work
> 
> this fic was written for lonely eyes by lauv and i had the greatest time with it! thank you Nina for being such an important part of the creative process, i don't think i'd've made it without your aid :'> this is also my first time writing for stray kids and i'm so happy it's been such a good and cathartic process for me. since i was tight on schedule, i did not have proper time to sit down and reread this as many times as i wished i did but i'll be doing its beta later on, pls ignore if there are any typos lol
> 
>  **beware of the trigger warnings:** anxiety attacks, hinted depression, mention of homophobic parents, toxic parents

The sand between Felix's toes reminds him of vacations spent playing at the beach with his friends. The smell of the sea reminds him of a time where he didn't have to worry about anything but which game he would be playing next.

He looks around but something is different all of a sudden. Something is _wrong_.

The kids running around him are not his friends, their faces a blur. The sky is not clear as it usually is, the clouds a dark gray, it looks like it's going to rain. The sand scorches the sole of his feet, he doesn't feel the welcoming warmth that is usually there. And then, he falls with the force of the wind, as though he were light as a feather.

A shadow falls over his figure and he looks up, a woman looks down at him with disapproving eyes: it's his mother. But in a second her face shifts and she's suddenly Rosie, his father's girlfriend and now wife. His stepmother.

Felix feels a touch on his shoulder and he jolts in surprise. He blinks a few times and realizes that he's on a plane.

"Sir, we have landed," the stewardess says before turning around and going to the front of the plane, Felix sighs and looks around, still a little dazed. It was a dream, just a dream.

He rubs his eyes before unfastening the seatbelt and getting up to retrieve his duffel bag that's in the overhead compartment. Once outside of the aircraft, Felix sighs in relief as he can finally move his legs that were starting to cramp at how long he spent seated. His neck also feels sore for sleeping on the same position for hours but Felix takes a deep breath and smiles, he's not going to keep finding things to complain about, instead, he grips the handle of his duffel bag tight and follows the rest of the passengers to the baggage claim so he can get hold of his belongings.

The two suitcases he brought along are easy to spot, one is hot pink and the other is emerald green, it takes him less than ten minutes to get both and he's soon exiting through the gate that opens into the arrivals.

Despite the difficulty to drag everything along, Felix can't help but smile, especially when he sees his cousin waving at him while holding a placard that reads _Lixie_ with a cute drawing of a boy with freckles right next to it.

"Lix," Chan says as soon as he reaches Felix, engulfing him into a bear hug. "You've grown so much," he says, not letting go. "How was your flight?"

Without wasting time, Chan takes the duffel bag and one of the suitcases from Felix's grip and starts walking. Felix walks alongside him. "It was alright, not the best though. Too much time inside a plane."

Chan laughs while nodding. "Yeah, it's tiresome."

They enter the parking lot and Felix looks around wondering if he can guess which is his cousin's car. He spots a convertible and wishes it would be it but his dreams of riding one are crushed when Chan takes the car keys from his pocket and stops in front of a red minivan.

"What?" Chan says when he sees the look in Felix's face. "You don't like Daisy?"

"Daisy?" Felix bursts out laughing as Chan puts his stuff in the trunk. "No, I like her. I like the color and minivans are big, it's good for road trips."

"Now now, no need for pleasantries. You don't like her now but you'll see her charms with time," Chan says with a smile and opens the passenger's door for Felix. "Get inside and let's go home."

Chan starts the car and babbles to fill in the silence, Felix stares out at the window, enjoying the scenery but still trying to pay attention to what his cousin is saying - something about a hit song he's hoping to make until the end of the year.

"So, how are things back there in Sydney?" Chan asks and Felix turns to look at him. "How's uncle doing?"

"He's fine," Felix replies, recalling his nightmare from earlier. "You know, dad got married last month and all, the wedding was at the beach, very exquisite. It felt stuffy to wear a suit under the sun but he's happy so."

He shrugs and Chan nods, his eyes not leaving the streets. "And your stepmother, is she nice? I remember you mentioned her having children, are they nice to you?"

"Rosie is nice," Felix says without hesitating since it _is_ true. "Her kids, not so much."

"How so?"

"Spoiled brats," Felix huffs and Chan laughs. "I don't hate them but I don't like them either."

"It's so funny seeing you getting worked up over something," Chan comments and stops the car at a red light. "And how's auntie?"

"She's fine too," Felix replies, Chan is looking directly at him with a knowing look. "Busy, as always."

The lights turn green and nothing more is said for a few minutes. Felix enjoys the view, the city is beautiful with all it's tall skyscrapers and large avenues.

"How are-"

"And how about you, hyung? How's life here in New York? I haven't seen you in so long and we only chat through text," Felix cuts before Chan can ask him more questions. "I missed you."

Chan coos. "Aw Lix, I missed you too. My baby cousin grew up so much while I was away," Felix groans but can't help the smile that blooms on his lips. "I'm so happy that we're going to live together now."

"Me too."

"So you were asking," Chan clears his throat and Felix notices that they're getting down into a parking lot of a building. "It's been busy, I have been working a lot but I'm happy."

Chan parks the car at the end of the space, a blue vespa right in front of it. They get out of the car and Felix glances curiously at the vespa.

"And that's Lily," Chan tells Felix when he notices he's staring. "She's mine too. I use her to go to work sometimes."

"You and your habit of giving names to inanimate things," Felix shakes his head in amusement. "Lily looks classy, I like her too."

Chan was about to protest but brightens up at his words and opens the trunk.

"I'm so excited," he says as he takes Felix's luggage out. "I can't wait to take you to my favorite places. You're going to love it."

Felix bites his lips to hold back the stupid smile that's threatening to appear. God, he missed Chan so much.

"There's this place," Chan closes the trunk and urges Felix to walk toward the elevator. "They have the best burgers ever."

"Better than your father's?" Felix cuts in, jokingly making a horrified face and covering his mouth with his free hand.

" _Of course not!_ " Chan exclaims and the elevator arrives, they get inside and Chan pushes the button to the tenth floor. "Let me tell you beforehand so you don't get surprised," Chan says suddenly as the elevator starts going up, he looks serious and worried. "The place I live in is small. I don't make enough to buy a bigger apartment or a house yet, it's definitely not like our houses back in Australia but it's home."

"I don't mind," Felix smiles, he's just happy to be able to really call a place _his home_. "It doesn't really matter to me."

The elevator comes to a stop, they get out and walk to the right, towards the end of the corridor.

"I'll give you your copy of the key later," Chan takes a card from his back pocket and uses it to unlock the front door. It clicks open with a beep and Chan gets inside first, putting Felix's belongings to the side and opening his arms towards the place in a dramatic way. "Welcome home!"

Felix takes a deep breath and holds back on crying right in front of Chan.

"I lov-" before Felix can finish his sentence a boy enters the living room and he lets out a scream of surprise. Chan jumps at the sudden sound and the stranger falls on the couch, startled.

"Ah shit," Chan curses under his breath. "I forgot to tell you about Jisung."

"Who's he?" Felix asks, still surprised at the boy who he has never seen in his life appearing in the living room of his new home.

"Hi?" the boy says shyly from the couch and Felix waves awkwardly, not wanting to be rude.

"He has lived with me since last year," Chan explains and Felix is so confused right now. "Jisung this is Felix, my cousin. Felix, this is Jisung, he's your age."

"How did you meet?" Felix asks after nodding at Jisung to acknowledge the introductions, surprise washing away and being replaced by curiosity.

"Jisung is an online friend I made back in the days I lived in Korea for university," Chan tells Felix and Jisung agrees with him with a nod. Felix is still confused. "Due to some personal circumstances, Jisung is living with me for the time being."

With his question properly answered, Felix finally enters the apartment and leaves his belongings by the door. He gives it a quick overview and notices how it is exactly like Chan told him: small. It's small but it's cozy and tidy and he knows he'll grow to love it as time passes. It's home.

"It's a studio apartment so that's why it's so small. So how do you like it?" Chan asks when he's back from the kitchen with a glass of water that he hands to Felix, the anticipation drips from his voice. The living room is separated from the kitchen by the big couch that's right in the middle of the apartment. Felix sees Jisung and observes as the boy is focused on his laptop and doesn't spare them a single glance.

"I love it," Felix replies.

"Take a shower, you must be tired," Chan says after Felix is done drinking the water and runs to the cabinet that's in the corner and takes a towel out. "When you're done we can think of a place to go for dinner."

"Alright," Felix agrees, just then realizing how hungry he is. "I won't take long."

"Take your time," Chan smiles and leads Felix into the bathroom once he has the clean change of clothes in hands. "We'll be in the living room."

Chan closes the door and Felix is left alone in the bathroom with his thoughts. He has so much going on in his mind but he pushes it all back and enjoys the hot water washing away his tiredness.

Later that night, when they're already back from an Italian restaurant that's just around the corner, Felix feels his eyelids becoming heavy the more he insists on being awake to chat with Chan - Jisung is not really participating in the conversation and is at the other side of the couch, using his laptop.

"You should sleep," Chan says and puts his hand on Felix's arm, gently waking him up. "Lix, sleep."

"I'm fine," Felix says but he feels how tired he is despite denying it. He yawns and Chan gives him a stern look before standing up and walking to the same cabinet he took the towel earlier but he takes a box that's resting on top of it and walks back to Felix. "What's that?"

"Stuff I bought for you," Chan explains, opening the box and taking out a brand new pillow - already on a dinosaur patterned pillowcase -, and a fluffy blanket, both still on their original packing. "I took the blanket to the laundromat so it wouldn't smell like it has been sitting on a shelf for God knows how long."

Felix reaches out for the blanket when Chan hands it to him and takes the pillow with his free hand. "Where do I sleep?"

"On the couch," Chan says and motions for Jisung to stand up from it. "It opens into a bed," he demonstrates and Felix nods in understanding, it is a small apartment after all and on his way to the bathroom he only saw one door, which he assumed is Chan's bedroom since there is a bed in the corner opposite from the cabinet in the living room and that must be where Jisung sleeps. "And since the couch is big, you'll share it with Jisung, I hope you won't mind."

Felix nods but then stops.

"I will _what_?" he widens his eyes and stares at his cousin with confusion written all over his face.

"You'll share the couch with Jisung, that's where he sleeps."

"What about that bed?" Felix points to the furniture and Chan stifles a laugh.

"It's my bed," he replies and Felix is on the verge of getting distraught. "The only bedroom we have in the apartment I use as my studio, it's soundproof and all."

Honestly, Felix wants to curl up and cry. It's not that he hates the idea of sharing a sleeping space with someone, it's just that he met Jisung _today_ and they haven't even talked to each other properly - in fact, Jisung doesn't seem interested in being friends at all.

"Don't worry, Jisung is a nice guy," Chan assures Felix when he notices the boy is not moving or speaking, lost in his thoughts. "I've been living with him for almost a year and he didn't try to kill me while I slept or anything, all is well."

Those words do not really calm Felix as Chan probably expected but Felix feels sincerity in his cousin's words and Jisung looks like a nice kid, although pretty quiet so far, so he pushes aside his aversion at sharing space with a stranger and accepts the fact that this is his new bed.

"I'm going to brush my teeth."

"The toothbrush with black stripes is yours," Chan tells him before Felix leaves for the bathroom. He smiles at how thoughtful his cousin is and always seems to know even the most trivial information about him.

Once he is back, his side of the couch is already set as a bed. Chan is sitting at the small table by the window, Felix walks up to him and sits down. "Hyung," he says and waits until Chan looks up from his laptop. "Thanks for letting me live with you."

With a big smile, Chan pats Felix's knee. "No need to thank me," he says and Felix yawns again. "I'm going to be up for a few more hours, I need to finish some stuff in my studio but you should go ahead and sleep."

"Okay," Felix says and gets up. "Goodnight."

"Night," Chan closes the laptop, enters the kitchen to get some water while Felix makes himself comfortable on his new bed. "I'll turn the lights off," Chan says before he leaves for his studio. Felix doesn't have time to say anything, like the fact that Jisung is in the living room as well and not ready to sleep, before Chan does as said and he hears the sound of a door clicking shut.

Instead of going straight to sleep, Felix checks his phone that he left on the table that's right next to his side of the couch along with a lamp and a book. He checks the notification bar but the only message he sees there is one that Chan sent earlier about being on his way to the airport, nobody else messaged or tried to call him since he landed in New York.

He lets out a heavy sigh and puts the phone back on the table, turning to the other side and almost having a heart attack when he sees the light of the laptop illuminating Jisung's face. The boy is leaning against the couch and seems focused on what he's doing. Felix would be lying if he said he is not curious about what Jisung is doing, seeing that he's been on his laptop for the majority of the time since Felix arrived.

"Goodnight," Felix says almost in a whisper but gets no response. Just then he notices that Jisung has headphones on, Felix groans and turns to the other side so the light is not right on his face.

It takes him a few extra minutes to fall asleep but when he does, nothing wakes him up.

The next day Felix stirs awake just a little before noon. He feels like his body is still getting used to the difference in time zones and just gives up on forcefully fixing it since he still has time to adjust himself.

After half an hour of staying immobile staring at the ceiling, he sits up and takes in the view of his surroundings: the curtains are drawn open, the sun shines through the big windows and there's a boy curled up against the arm rest to his right. He observes Jisung for a minute, wondering at what time he went to sleep last night and assuming that it was late.

Then Felix stands up and stretches his arms above his head, turning to take a look at Chan's bed but it's empty. His cousin has never been very keen on sleeping enough hours like a normal person would, he worries about him but Felix knows Chan has always been this way.

Instead of spending more time thinking, Felix enters the kitchen in search of something to grab a bite - it is time for lunch after all - but he finds nothing but an empty cereal box in the kitchen cabinet, he's on his way to open the fridge when he hears rustling coming from the living room and turns around just in time to catch Jisung rubbing his eyes and yawning.

He observes and waits as he hopes that Jisung is going to come to the kitchen and then Felix will know where the food is at without turning the place upside down. Quietly, Jisung enters the kitchen and grabs a milk carton - which he drinks straight from it - and a pack of crackers before going back to his spot on the couch, all of this while not making eye contact with Felix even once.

He's about to ask him about the food when Chan bursts into the living room, hair wet from the shower he probably just took, and quickly circles an arm around Felix's shoulders.

"You're awake," he exclaims and Felix nods. "Wanna grab lunch? We don't have much food here," he says and Felix sighs, he should've expected that, none of them seem to be very skilled in the kitchen after all. "Jisung," Chan calls and Felix watches as the boy drops the crackers on his own lap out of surprise. "Let's go to that Mexican place nearby."

"Sure," Jisung replies in a low voice and quickly gets a change of clothes out of a box that Felix did not notice until now and runs off to the bathroom.

"Their chilaquiles are awesome, you're gonna love it," says Chan and Felix runs off to get changed as soon as Jisung is back.

In the afternoon Felix is left alone with Jisung in the living room again. Chan seems to spend most of his time locked inside his studio and Felix doesn't want to bother him when he's working - Chan did say that they'll go out more once it's the weekend.

But the thing is that Felix, despite being friendly and pretty extroverted in his opinion, is not good at making new friends when the other person is not as talkative and open as him, which is Jisung's case. Until now, Felix has noticed that they haven't had an exchange of words directed at each other, at least not a mutual interaction. Jisung either is very focused on whatever he does on his laptop or he's ignoring him, Felix is going to try again - especially since they're living under the same roof.

"What are you doing?" Felix says, sitting down on the couch just like Jisung but keeping his distance from him. Jisung stops tapping on the keyboard.

"Work," he mumbles without averting his gaze from the screen and resumes what he was doing.

Not too sure of what to say next, Felix remains in silence for a moment, the only sound in the living room is Jisung's typing on the keyboard. He thinks of what else he can ask to try to keep a conversation and that won't end up with Jisung only giving him one word answers.

"What do you work with?" Felix asks a little apprehensively, when Jisung turns around to look at him Felix almost jumps in surprise.

"Music," he answers and puts on the headphones that were resting by his side, it's as though he is telling Felix to stop talking to him. Even though now he feels inconvenient, Felix wonders how Jisung gets to work with music seeing that he is Felix's age and most likely does not have a degree too.

Feeling rather out of place, Felix decides to go out for a walk. He leaves the apartment with just his phone and the key card so he won't be locked out.

Sadly - mostly for Felix - the interactions with Jisung are still awkward and one sided.

It's especially unnerving when he sees Jisung talking nonstop and laughing when he's chatting with Chan but when Felix is part of the interaction, the boy just keeps his mouth shut, which is one of the reasons why Felix kind of gives up on actively trying to befriend the boy.

He _is_ going to make friends at university anyway, classes are starting in about two weeks and Felix is determined to have a group of friends he can invite over and hang out with.

That's why in the following days till the start of his first term studying in New York - and not in Sydney anymore -, Felix does the bare minimum when it comes to Jisung and only says the necessary, spending most of his time reading books he bought at the bookstore not too far from the building, which he discovered on one of his many walks around the neighborhood. It ends up that Chan's apartment is in a pretty central area and they have a lot of different establishments just a few minutes away on foot - if the variety of restaurants wasn't a given already.

Aside from reading, Felix gets to spend a good amount of time in his cousin's company - even in the studio, where Chan shows him some of the songs he has worked on previously.

He gets used to everything pretty fast. The fact that they rarely use the kitchen, which is one of the main reasons why it is so clean; that Chan is a workaholic and spends almost the whole day hidden inside the studio and, from time to time, leaves the house for meetings at the company he works for; and that Jisung is a mysterious being, sometimes he's at home at his usual spot by the couch and others he vanishes and comes back when it's already dark outside. Felix knows he has given up on trying to befriend him but he can't help but feel curious about the boy, he never talks about himself - from what Felix has overheard - so there's this eerie aura surrounding Jisung.

"So are you ready for your classes tomorrow?" Chan asks while they're all having Chinese takeout, Jisung is quiet as always and Felix has his mouth stuffed with two spring rolls, since he can't speak without spitting food everywhere, he just nods his head. "Don't forget to meet your guide at the library first thing in the morning. Since I've already handed all the documents you needed to transfer, you just need to worry about attending your lectures and not getting lost on the campus."

"And how do I know who's my guide?" Felix asks when he finally finishes munching on the food, already reaching out for some more fried rice. Chan puts his chopsticks aside and looks thoughtful for a second.

"Honestly," he starts. "I'm not sure but I guess you'll figure it out when you're there."

Felix groans and they focus on eating, after that, he gets ready to sleep because tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Felix's anxiety gets the best of him and he ends up arriving at the library half an hour early - half an hour early if you disconsider the fact that he got lost and took another half an hour to locate his destination. He strolls around the aisles, stopping at the fiction section and browsing through the titles they have. Immersed in thought, Felix only notices that it's almost time for him to meet the person who's going to show him around when he takes a look at the clock hanging near the tables. In a rush, he puts the book he was skimming through in its place and jogs out of the building, Felix looks around and notices a boy glancing from side to side as if he's searching for someone while everyone else keeps going their own way, maybe it's him.

He approaches the boy and pokes his shoulder.

"Are you Felix Lee?" he's asked as soon as the boy turns to look at him. Felix nods and smiles. "I'm Minho, how did you know I am your guide?"

Felix shrugs.

"Just guessed," he replies and yawns, feeling a little tired after all the walking he did earlier. "How long do you think it might take? I have a class at ten and this place is _huge_."

"I'm just going to show the important places," Minho explains and motions for Felix to follow him. "I would say no more than two hours."

It takes almost two hours. They walk around campus nonstop, Minho giving Felix all the important tips and things he can't miss - according to him -, by the time they're done, Felix has ten minutes to run to where his lecture is taking place.

"You should come to our little meeting at five," Minho says before they part ways. "It's gonna be on Blueprint Café just across from the main entrance. It'll be nice to get acquainted and make new friends. It's mostly the Korean-American population of this university and the Asian exchange students because they used to feel left out. Almost everyone majors in different things, we rarely see each other outside of these meetings so it's quite the event."

"Oh that's cool," Felix grins and checks the time on his phone. "I'll make sure to be there, see you then."

Felix hears Minho saying goodbye and dashes off to his building.

His last class ends a quarter to five, Felix is starving already despite eating a lot during lunch and he can't wait to get to the café but since there's still some minutes till then, he takes his time walking there. When Felix gets past the entrance he's met with loud chattering, overlapping conversations and a bunch of university students filling an L-shaped table - just a bunch of tables put together, really - that's set near the windows and the back wall.

Minho waves when he notices Felix staring and urges him to join them.

"You really came," he exclaims and points to an empty seat next to a short haired girl. "Lua, Felix majors in creative writing too," he says and she stops drinking her milk-shake to fist bump Felix. "Mark too," Minho points to a boy who's excitedly gesturing as he speaks, his loud laughter filling the place.

"We share one class," Lua says and resumes drinking her cold beverage. "I saw you running out of the class when it was noon," Felix laughs and nods, it was lunch time and he had only had a piece of toast and a cup of coffee before leaving the apartment. "I would run too, Professor Kwon is _so boring_. Anyway, are you new here?"

"Just transferred from Sydney," Felix replies and Lua suddenly stands up, whistling so loud everyone stops talking to stare at her.

"Y'all better come and introduce yourselves to Felix," she says and Felix feels embarrassed at the amount of people staring at him. He expects everyone to just resume what they're doing and take Lua's words as a joke but suddenly there's the sound of chairs moving and Felix is shaking hands with everyone, confused at all the names being thrown at him.

("Kevin, psychology."; "Nancy, musical theater."; "Mark, creative writing."; "Hyunjin, interior design."; "Taeyang, call me Theo, physical education."; "Soeun, I prefer Rina, dance."; "Denise, science."; "Sorn, literature."; "Yoshi, music producing."; "Yiren, arts."; "Giselle, fashion design."; "Allen, biochem.")

After a very long round of introductions, Felix is finally able to sit down and breathe. He is sure he is not going to remember even half of the names and faces but now he's thirsty and hungry and not in the right mind to process all this information.

He orders food for himself and checks his phone to see if there are any messages but there are none - Chan is probably waiting for him to get home so he can ask him about his day in person.

"How are you liking it here at the big apple?" a girl who's sitting by Minho's side asks and Felix can't recall what her name is. "I'm Ryujin."

"Sorry," Felix mumbles and pursues his lips. "It's nice, pretty different from my hometown but I'm enjoying it, the food is good."

"Have you been to the sushi bar in Manhattan yet?" the boy who's sitting to his left asks suddenly, Felix has absolutely no idea what he's talking about, especially since he's not using names. "We go there often."

"It's not cheap though," another girl joins in and they start arguing about the sushi bar and Felix is so hungry that now he wants some sushi as well. "Anyway, Jeongin pays for everything whenever we go there so," she shrugs and Ryujin high fives her. "You should come with us the next time we go. I'm Jisu, I know how hard it is to remember everyone's name on the first day, you'll get the hang of it by the end of the term."

"Oh I would love to go, it'll be on me," Felix offers since it's not his money but his father's anyway.

"You have a pretty heavy accent," Jeongin points out and Felix looks down, he looks like he's sad but he's actually staring at the food that the waiter just put in front of him. "I don't mean it in a bad way or anything," Jeongin panics. "I love accents, they're cool."

"I didn't take offence," Felix laughs and takes a big gulp of his coke. "I do have a pretty thick accent after all, it's my charm," he jokes and the three laugh, Minho comes back from the bathroom just then and sits down, staring at them all smiling and having fun.

"Did I miss anything?" he questions and steals some fries from Jeongin's plate. "Were you still talking about sushi?"

They go back to arguing about food and Felix watches everyone with a big smile on his lips, he's so happy to be able to make some friends already that he's looking forward to coming to university even more.

The moment Felix sets foot inside the apartment, Chan is already bombarding him with questions, curious to know how his first day went.

"You're acting as if I'm your son who has just come back from his first day at kindergarten," Felix comments when Chan keeps asking how his day went and if he made any friends, not satisfied with Felix only nodding at him. "I got added to a group chat with a bunch of people that I met today so I think that's one of the highlights of my day. I think I made some friends and my guide was super nice too."

"Awesome," Chan says and plops down on the couch, turning the television on. Jisung comes into the living room with damp hair glued to his forehead and yawns, his stomach makes a sound of protest. "Are you guys hungry?"

"Kinda," Jisung says in a low tone, some color reaching his cheeks, and Felix gives his cousin a thumbs up.

"I'm going to order pizza for us," he announces and grabs his phone. "Felix, go shower now so you'll be clean when the food arrives."

Felix does as said.

Felix adjusts easily into his new routine, it's not very different from how it used to be back when he lived with his father after all. It mainly consists of studying at the library and stressing out about assignments but he spends his time doing other things like going out with Chan every now and then - usually weekends but there are days in which Chan suggests going out during the week, looking stressed and tired - and walking around the neighborhood, discovering different places and enjoying his new freedom.

He befriends Lua properly, a few other classmates that sit close to him - Alex, Dongju and Eric - and they come to an agreement to do all the group projects together whenever they have the same classes. Aside from them, Felix sees himself being asked to hang out with Jeongin, Ryujin, Jisu and Minho on the regular.

Going out with them is an experience. Felix is used to having loud and energetic friends but they're on a different level, especially together - they're so funny they can't help but keep on laughing all the time.

Their first hang out was at the sushi bar they mentioned back then at the meeting, Felix kept his promise and paid for everything. That night Felix ends up sipping some of Jeongin's sake mojito out of curiosity - the same reason Jeongin insisted on ordering it -, especially since everyone was trying it too, and he ends his night being driven home by Minho while tipsy, his alcohol tolerance extremely low.

It results in him asking Minho random questions, he doesn't remember much aside from "is Jeongin dating Ryujin or Jisu?"

"Both," Minho answered and Felix nodded, slightly confused because of his state but not unfamiliar with the concept. "They're in a poly relationship."

"Nice," he remembers answering and next thing he's waking up on his bed, the sunlight already shining on him. That day Felix nurtures a headache and decides he's never drinking again.

"Guys," Chan suddenly barges into the living room on a Friday night, looking overwhelmed. "I need to go to L.A. on an urgent business trip and you'll have to get by on your own until I get back on Monday."

Nobody says a thing, the two boys only staring at Chan.

"For real?" Jisung breaks the silence.

"For _real_ ," Chan assures and runs a hand through his hair. "We're going to sign-up with this new artist and they want to meet in person who's going to work on the songs. The person happens to be me."

"Good luck," Felix says and gives him a thumbs up. "Don't worry, I know how to cook."

Chan stifles a laugh.

"Heating up frozen lasagna in the oven is not cooking, Lix," he says and Felix sighs. "Just order takeout, this is what we always do anyway."

Without another word, he runs to his bed and takes a suitcase from under it, quickly he starts packing and leaves the apartment less than half an hour later, but not without giving them a few instructions. "Don't burn the apartment down attempting to cook. Don't forget to shower and Jisung, you can use my studio if you want to."

Then he's off and Felix sits down, still processing what just happened. His stomach growls suddenly and he checks the time, it's already past eight.

"I'm going to order some tacos," Felix says, looking at Jisung. "How many do you want?"

Silence.

Felix takes his phone and starts ordering for himself since Jisung ignored him.

"Two chicken and two meat," Jisung finally replies and Felix hums, ordering it for him too.

"Forty minutes," he tells and puts the phone down, turning the television on and leaving it at some random channel as white noise - Jisung is too quiet and Felix feels a little anxious about it, wondering if the boy hates him or something. Whenever he goes to sleep, Jisung is still wide awake on his laptop and sometimes when he's leaving for his classes as well, Jisung is still a mystery to Felix.

"Thanks," Jisung replies after a minute - interrupting his thoughts - and Felix sighs, leaning against the couch and dozing off, trying not to think about his exams that are nearing - and the fact that he needs to spend the whole weekend with Jisung when they're not even talking to each other properly.

The moment that Felix was dreading arrives: having dinner with Jisung and trying to keep a conversation with him instead of awkward silence. Usually, Chan makes small talk with the two of them and once finished, each goes their own way until it is time to sleep and everything repeats itself the following day.

Most of the time they eat on the couch because the table is not big enough for three people but now it'd be stupid not using it. Felix places the takeout bag he went out to get with the delivery guy on the table, sitting down and looking at Jisung who's using his phone instead of the laptop.

"Are you going to eat now?" he asks and Jisung looks up, nodding and setting his phone down. He makes his way to the table, sitting opposite Felix and biting down on his lips. He just sits there without doing anything and Felix starts getting concerned, so he gets his share of the food and places the container with the remaining in front of Jisung.

"Thanks," Jisung mumbles and eats quietly, avoiding Felix's gaze. In no mood to actually try, Felix does the same and they are done with their meal fast. While cleaning the table, Felix notices Jisung hesitating: he looks torn between saying something and going back to his previous activities.

Felix throws the paper bags and napkins away and makes his way to Jisung. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Jisung replies, not really looking fine but also not looking like he wants to share it with Felix. "I'm gonna shower."

And then he's rushing out of the living room with a change of clothes in hands. Felix sits down on the couch and sighs, it's been almost a month and they haven't made any progress on becoming friends. On top of that, Felix's birthday is next week and he's thinking about having his friends over for some cake, even if they live under the same roof, he was expecting to invite Jisung to the small gathering but they're still strangers.

While he waits for Jisung to get out of the bathroom so he can brush his teeth, Felix turns on the television and puts on a random channel in which a movie is starting and decides to watch it - it seems to be a romantic comedy, Felix doesn't really mind as long as it is not horror.

Not long after Jisung is back, he takes his usual place and gets his phone, checking something while Felix is focused on the movie playing. Near the end of the movie, Felix turns to glance at Jisung to check what he's doing since no sound of typing is coming from him, the boy is asleep, his phone fallen next to his hand.

The couch is not opened as a bed yet but Jisung looks peaceful and comfortable enough that Felix concludes it is not worth it waking him up.

He decides not to sleep right away but to work on a short story he's supposed to hand in in a week. Felix fishes for his laptop that he leaves under the couch and works on it without paying much attention to time. After some minutes - or maybe hours -, Felix hears a groan and sees Jisung stirring awake.

The boy stands up and makes his way into the kitchen, opening the fridge and checking the cabinets. He comes back empty handed and runs a hand through his hair, looking stressed.

"Hungry?" Felix asks and checks the clock, it's almost midnight. "I noticed Chan hyung doesn't keep a lot of food here."

"He doesn't," Jisung mumbles and leans against the couch, closing his eyes. "And I ate all of my cereal this morning too."

"I can make us something, I'm hungry too," Felix says, giving Jisung a small smile and expecting some reaction. Jisung turns to glance at him in surprise. "For real."

"I would really appreciate that," Jisung gives him a small smile back and Felix is taken aback at the rare gesture - it is a first after all. "Do you need help?"

And that's how Felix and Jisung end up in the kitchen making cookies late at night - past midnight actually. It's weird because Felix hasn't talked to Jisung until now and it seems that Jisung had a change of heart and opened up to him already, laughing at silly things and making comments every now and then.

Overall, Jisung doesn't help much but he gives Felix enough moral support that when the batch of warm cookies are resting on a plate between them, Felix feels fulfilled.

Jisung digs in first, biting half a cookie in one go and puffing his cheeks as he chews.

"It's delicious," Jisung comments after he's done with the first one, Felix having only given his first bite now. Felix mumbles a thanks and keeps eating, still taken aback by the sudden outburst of friendliness coming from Jisung.

They eat in silence and leave a few for later after both are sated.

"I'm going to sleep," Felix announces, already turning to go to the bathroom. When he comes back to the living room, the bed is made and Jisung is using his laptop on his side. "You're not going to sleep yet?"

"Nah," Jisung replies. "I still have some work to do, you sleep first."

WIth no questions, Felix does as said since he's exhausted and falls into comfortable slumber quickly.

On Monday evening, when Chan steps foot inside his apartment, he is surprised at the sight of Felix and Jisung chatting casually.

"Did y'all become buddies while I was away?" he asks incredulous but looking extremely happy, Felix grins in triumph at finally being able to talk to Jisung without the awkward atmosphere while Jisung nods.

"I guess so," Felix finally speaks and Chan sits down between the two, spreading his arms and legs on top of them, sighing in relief as he closes his eyes. "Right!" Felix exclaims, just then remembering the birthday gathering he's planning. "It's gonna be my birthday next week and I'm thinking of calling some friends over."

"Oh, we can leave the apartment for some hours so you can have fun with your friends without us intruding," Chan suggests and Felix shakes his hands in a way that clearly gives the message _throw that idea away_. "What?"

"I was going to ask you guys to meet my friends and have fun together," Felix explains and Chan coos, ignoring Felix's protests and pinching his cheeks. "So?"

"We'd love to stay and meet your friends," Chan says with a big smile and pats Jisung's shoulder. "And it's gonna be Jisungie's birthday next week too, so we could have a double celebration, what do you think?"

"Is it?" Felix asks in surprise, glancing at Jisung who nods at the question. "You didn't mention it, we should celebrate together. When is it?"

"On the fourteenth," Jisung replies and Felix gasps dramatically.

"Mine is on the fifteenth," he stands up and looks determined. "I'm gonna place an order at this bakery tomorrow as soon as they open. What kind of cake do you like?"

"I like all cakes," Jisung replies, looking apprehensive at Felix's excitement. "Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, red velvet, angel cake, carrot cake. Name it and I'll eat it."

Felix looks thoughtful for a moment and then snaps his fingers. "It's gonna be a surprise then," he announces in satisfaction and Chan laughs, still looking delighted at the fact that Felix and Jisung are _finally_ getting along, Felix sees him radiating that. "I gotta sleep now because I have a lecture at eight tomorrow."

Felix skips on his way to get his teeth brushed while Jisung and Chan watch him.

Felix invites his friends over as planned - it's only going to be Minho, Jeongin, Ryujin, Jisu, Lua, Alex, Dongju and Eric, the apartment is pretty small after all - but doesn't tell Jisung nor Chan that he's planning on celebrating the birthdays starting on Jisung's and ending it on his.

He leaves the cake with Minho, so nobody sees it in the fridge, and pretends that everything is normal until the intercom rings.

"I'll answer it," Felix says, not letting any of them get up by how fast he runs to answer it. Minho doesn't say anything, as they had planned beforehand, and only waves to the camera. "I'm going down to get it."

"Get what?" Chan asks from his bed, working there instead of his studio so he can spend more time with the birthday boy, Jisung.

Felix hesitates.

"I ordered some books online and asked them to be delivered," he lies and exits the apartment as soon as possible so he won't be asked any more questions. When he gets to the entrance, everyone he invited is already there, each holding what he assigned them to - after all, there needs to be food and beverages and he couldn't bring it home himself or he'd've been questioned. "Let's go," he motions and they follow him, stopping in front of the elevator. "We'll need to go in two groups because it's not big enough."

Once everyone is standing in front of the apartment entrance, Felix tells them to wait here and only enter ten seconds after he's inside.

"Where are the books?" Jisung asks when Felix gets back without anything in hand.

"They rang the wrong apartment," Felix says deflated and sighs. Someone knocks on the door and he pretends surprise. "Wait, I'm gonna see who it is."

Then chaos ensues, everyone bursts into the apartment singing happy birthday and Chan jumps in surprise from his bed, staring at the scene while Jisung almost melts into the couch so nobody sees him - it doesn't work.

Chan and Jisung look confused at the sudden invasion - Jisung a lot more embarrassed than confused since he is well aware that it is _his_ birthday.

Felix comes up to him and gently pulls Jisung up by the hand, leading him closer to his friends who are still stagnant in front of the entrance, the singing having died down already.

"What's going on?" Jisung asks in a whisper, loud enough so Felix hears him.

"Surprise," Felix lets go of him and joins his friends. "We're having the party now, so we can celebrate your birthday on the right day."

Jisung still looks embarrassed, his cheeks slightly red as everyone is staring at him but Felix's notices how Jisung can't help but smile shyly.

"Lix," Chan calls and finally goes out of his stupor, rushing to get to his cousin. "How rude of you," he scolds and walks up to the door, closing it. "You're going to let the guests stand for how long?"

And then he proceeds to show everyone where they should drop the food, soon the counter is full with a big variety of snacks and Chan is introducing himself to Felix's friends while they wish Jisung happy birthday properly, some even give the boy a few small gifts. Jisung surely looks overwhelmed but happy and Felix feels proud at how amazing he thinks his idea was.

Once the clock shows it's five minutes to midnight, Felix pulls the small table they have there into the middle of the living room and takes the cake out of the fridge, calling everyone to gather around so they can blow the candles when it's midnight sharp.

They light the candles around the cake and turn off the lights, this time they sing happy birthday to Felix and, when the clock hits midnight, the two boys blow the candles together and everyone cheers.

"So you chose black forest?" Jisung asks while helping Felix cut the cake and distribute the slices among the guests. "It's one of my favorites, actually."

"I'm glad then," Felix grins and takes a plate for himself, eating slowly since he's extremely full from everything he already had.

Felix joins his friends and Jisung sits on the available space on the corner of the couch, not really interacting with anyone and just watching.

"Jisung?" someone calls suddenly and the boy looks up. "You should come and hang out with us sometime," Jisung stares confused. "I'm Minho, Felix's friend. I mean everyone here is Felix's friends but I'm his first friend at university, so I'm special."

Felix shoves Minho when he says the last part and Jeongin bursts out laughing from his side.

"You're _so_ entitled," Ryujin jokes and high fives Jisu. "But, hey, for real, join us when you can."

"I'll see to it," Jisung replies and gives them a small smile. Felix is satisfied, he never saw Jisung interacting with anyone aside from Chan - and him as well, recently - and seeing the prospect of him having more friends is good.

An hour later, Felix, Jisung and Chan are waving goodbye to everyone. The three sit down on the couch and sigh at the same time.

"I'm tired," Felix comments and leans his head on the couch. "But it was fun."

"I have to agree," Chan adds. "Even if the apartment is a mess now."

It's not much but they need to go around the place picking up plastic cups and putting things back into place, it doesn't take more than half an hour until everything is organized again - the leftovers on the fridge and the coach already on its bed form since they're all tired and looking forward to sleeping.

"Felix, you still haven't showered," Chan says and Felix groans. "Go now."

"I think I'll get another slice of cake," Felix hears Jisung saying before he closes the bathroom door.

After the birthday celebrations, things go back to normal. Chan works all the time, Jisung is always on his laptop - but seems a lot more comfortable with having Felix around - and Felix is busy with the assignments he needs to hand in this term, before his finals take place in less than three months - he knows it sounds like a lot of time but when he has so many things to do, it just flies.

As he is tired all the time, Felix ends up sleeping soundly every night, rarely getting up for water or bathroom runs.

Aside from one specific night in which Felix eats too much salty food for dinner.

He wakes up with his mouth dry, the urge to drink a big glass of cold water hitting him hard. He's about to kick the covers away when he notices the warm feeling engulfing him from the left side. Felix turns his head to the side bit by bit and is met with a tuft of hair right on his face. He inhales sharply when he finally processes that it's Jisung cuddling him while sleeping.

Felix does nothing, not used to seeing Jisung sleeping at this hour - he assumes it's around two, it's still dark outside. He goes back to sleep, ignoring the internal pleading for water.

This keeps happening more often than not - Felix rarely wakes up in the middle of the night but when he does, Jisung is glued to his side.

"Wanna go out with us?" Felix asks Jisung one Saturday morning. Just woken up, Jisung stares at him for a minute before he nods in silence and stands up, leaving for the bathroom while Felix finishes his breakfast.

When Jisung comes back, hair a mess but looking like he attempted to put it into place, he sits down on the empty chair and stares out of the window. "Where are you going?" he asks, yawning and rubbing his eyes.

"Just sightseeing," Felix replies, taking his bowl to the sink and washing it. "Minho said there are some nice places to visit that I probably haven't been to yet. Did you go sightseeing when you got here?"

Jisung shakes his head, yawning again and standing up. He gets his cereal and prepares his breakfast quickly. "I didn't want to go alone and Chan hyung is always busy, didn't want to bother."

Felix acknowledges Jisung's words and sits back down at the table when he's done, JIsung is halfway through his cereal.

"Please," Jisung says, mouth half full. "Don't tell me we're going to the Central Park."

"I think not," Felix replies, trying to remember what Minho mentioned the day before. "He said something about The Highline and going to places where it's good for aesthetic Instagram pictures," he thinks a little more. "Oh, and we're going to The Strand at the end because I want to get myself some new books."

"I can endure that," Jisung replies and focuses back on his food. Felix leaves to get changed and when he gets back, Jisung is picking up his outfit. "I'll be right back, is he going to be here soon?"

"Probably in ten-ish minutes," Felix answers.

Jisung runs to the bathroom to get changed and when he's back in the living room, Felix's phone rings.

"It's him," Felix says, ignoring the phone call and the two leave the apartment, Chan too busy in the confines of his studio so Felix just texts him.

They come back by dinnertime. Chan is lying down on the couch, watching some series and eating popcorn.

"How was your day off?" Chan jokes, looking at Jisung. "It's nice to see you two getting along and hanging out outside of the apartment."

"It was fun," Jisung exclaims, looking excited and smiling. "My legs are sore since we walked a lot but it was a nice change in my routine."

He leaves for the bathroom, mumbling to himself about needing a hot shower and sleep.

Chan sits up and Felix takes the space right next to him. "I'm hungry," he tells Chan and stares at him with pleading eyes. "Did you already have dinner?"

"I saved some slices of pizza for you guys," Chan pauses the series and offers Felix some of his popcorn. "It's in the fridge."

"I love you," Felix hugs Chan, mouth full, and runs to the kitchen to heat up the pizza for Jisung and himself.

The piled up stress from Felix's upcoming finals gets the best of him and he starts having nightmares about it. They're not _that_ often but they're enough to have him thrashing around in his sleep.

The night before his first final, he jumps out of the couch in cold sweat, heavy breathing and erratic heartbeat. Going to sleep earlier than usual didn't help him much after all.

He notices the darkness and the only source of light coming from Jisung's laptop, the boy in question has his gaze on Felix.

 _Are you alright?_ he mumbles, concern in his eyes. Felix sighs and sits down close to Jisung but not too close, enough so he can whisper and not have Chan wake up - his cousin doesn't get proper sleep ever, so the fact that he's even snoring is a sign that he shouldn't be bothered.

"I'm fine," he whispers to Jisung and the boys nods. "What are you always working on?" he asks, curious to ask what Jisung does on that laptop for so long. "You're never away from this for too long."

Jisung chuckles and turns the laptop a little towards Felix.

"I help Chan hyung," Jisung explains, showing him an open document. "I co-write some of the lyrics to help out since I don't have a formal job."

"Why don't you?"

"Why don't I what?" Jisung mumbles and looks away. "Have a formal job?" Felix nods when he looks back up at him. "It's just," he stops, gulps and looks away again. "It's stupid."

"Do you think it is?" Felix questions, his voice soft. Jisung shakes his head. "Then it isn't."

He remains silent, Felix waits until Jisung says something, not wanting to push him into saying anything when he's not comfortable.

"I have social anxiety," Jisung says fast, biting his lips afterwards. "It's one of the reasons I rarely go out and why I only have two friends who aren't Chan hyung and you," he breaths out in relief after saying that and closes his eyes. "Also, the reason why I took me so long to finally open up to you."

Not really sure of what he can say, Felix pats Jisung's shoulder twice in understanding.

"Who are your friends?" Felix asks, changing the subject so Jisung can think of something else.

"Seungmin and Yeji," Jisung smiles when he says the names. "They're in Korea, we talk through text sometimes."

Again, Felix doesn't know what to say, especially when he sees the sad smile adorning Jisung's lips.

"They've been talking about coming over to visit some day," Jisung says when it gets too quiet. "Sometimes I regret my decision of moving to a whole different country but Chan hyung keeps me company and has always been so nice to me."

"Why did you move?" Felix tries his best to be careful but Jisung turns silent, he feels like he's made the wrong question.

"It's a personal matter but," Jisung stutters a little, rubbing his eyes. "My parents are uhm, they're pretty homophobic and didn't really like, you know," he stutters more and closes his laptop suddenly, taking a deep breath and whispering something to himself that Felix doesn't catch. "I came out and they kicked me from the house," he says after taking a few more deep breaths. "My friends offered to help but I decided to accept Chan hyung's offer he made some years ago instead. He told me before he moved from Seoul that if I ever needed a place to stay if anything happened, I could count on him," Jisung says that with fondness in his voice. "He was the first person I talked about this whole being gay thing and he was always open minded and helpful. He's one of the people I trust the most."

Hearing those words about his cousin warms Felix's heart. He's always known Chan was a good person but he didn't know to what extent until now.

"I'm glad you met him," Felix says and yawns. "I think we should sleep," he suggests when he hears Jisung yawning as well.

"We should," he replies, the sound of the laptop being put under the couch is heard. Felix goes back to his side of the couch and hears Jisung moving around, covering himself and turning around a few times until he's snoring. Felix falls asleep some minutes after.

Everything is going well in Felix's life, until the middle of December comes.

Felix is a week away from his end of the year recess, all his finals are done and he's only going to university this last week to see his friends and give them the gingerbread cookies he tried making.

It all goes down one afternoon when Felix is exiting the library after returning the books he checked out on his last visit. His phone starts vibrating on his back pocket and he grimaces when he sees the caller id: it's his father.

"Hello?" he answers, apprehensive since his father doesn't really call him unless it is very important - and ever since he moved, he hasn't called _at all_.

"Son, when are you coming home for Christmas?"

Felix is taken aback by the straightforward imposition, he's afraid of giving him an answer.

"I'm paying for your ticket, just tell me the date and I'll book it."

"I'm not going back to Sydney," Felix says after taking a deep breath, he sits down on an empty bench and rubs his temple.

"This is not an option, your mom messaged me and said she wants to see you too."

 _None of you wants to see me!! You just want to take a family picture to show off how 'perfect' our family is_ Felix wants to yell but he holds himself back, his father is the one sending him money every month and it's not good to piss him off. Felix is just going to try to convince him that it's best if he stays over in New York.

"But dad," Felix adds emotion to his voice. "I really wanted to see how the end of the year festivities are celebrated here in New York."

"Felix, you know how your mother is insufferable."

He knows, he really does.

"But-"

"No buts, you're coming."

"I'm not going, you can't force me," he exclaims, trying not to raise the volume of his voice nor sound aggressive. "I meant it, please."

"We'll talk about it later."

And then his father hangs up, Felix shoves his phone inside his backpack and groans, messing his hair in frustration.

In order to forget about this and just be happy that there's just one day left until he's on recess, Felix passes by Blueprint Café to get himself something to warm himself up.

He orders and is sitting down on a table by the window when his phone buzzes again. This time the caller id shows it's his mother and Felix really wants to cry.

He takes two deep breaths before answering, declining the call is not an option if he wants to have a decent talk with his mother in the future.

"Hi mom," he answers, pretending to be cheerful, Felix really is not in the mood after his father's call. "How have you been?"

"What's with you father telling me you don't want to come over for Christmas and New Year?"

She sounds angry already and Felix feels his palms starting to sweat.

"It's not like that," Felix's voice cracks slightly when he finally speaks and he starts tapping his right foot. "I told him I want to see how the festivities are here in New York."

"You're making excuses."

"It's not-"

He can't even finish his sentence, his mother shushes him up with the sound of her heavy breathing coming from the other side. Felix knows he's gotten on her nerves.

"If you don't come I'm telling your father to stop sending you money every month."

"Mom!" Felix is about to argue but she hangs up on him and Felix's hands are shaking so hard he has to put his hands under his thighs. The waiter brings him his coffee and Felix no longer feels any satisfaction in it, his day is already ruined.

The following day Felix's parents keep calling him nonstop. He can't even enjoy his friend's company with his phone buzzing all the time and his parents yelling at him whenever he picks up.

By the time Felix is back home, his father has cut his budget in half, which is enough for him to survive but not enough for him to splash out whenever he feels like it. At least his father is not completely heartless like his mother, the fact that she still has such control over his father even after they've been divorced for years is terrifying to Felix.

He's so distracted that he drops his things on the couch and walks up to Chan's studio, knocking on the door and waiting for his cousin to open it. He just needs a hug and someone who will tell him that he's not in the wrong and that he's allowed to make his own choices because he's an adult already.

But the door doesn't open and Felix knocks again.

"Chan had to leave in a rush to meet that new artist they're signing with in Los Angeles," Jisung says, startling Felix who was lost in his thoughts. "He said he'll be back on Sunday."

"I need to see him," Felix says in a low tone, his voice barely a whisper.

His phone buzzes again and Felix takes a look at the screen before loosening his grip and letting it fall on the floor. It's his mother again. His father already accepted that he's not going over but his mother is still insisting, she has called him several times throughout the day and it seems she's still not tired of yelling at him.

Jisung kneels to pick the phone for him and when he looks up, Felix feels his vision blur. All the stress he has been put through since the first phone call comes crashing down on him, the piled up anxiety he feels whenever he answered his phone is suddenly so overwhelming that Felix holds his head between his hands and leans against the door of the studio, sliding down until he's sitting on the floor.

As he is sobbing, Felix feels Jisung's hands on his wrist, pulling him up.

"Let's get you to the couch, the floor is uncomfortable," he tells him and Felix nods, rubbing his eyes on the sleeve of his hoodie and letting Jisung guide him to the couch. "I'll get you some water, okay?"

Felix nods but can't stop crying, the many reasons as to why he decided to move away from his parents resurfacing in his mind. It was not only because he didn't like his new step-siblings but also because of his mother and the huge negative impact she has over his sanity.

Hugging his knees close to his chest, Felix kicks his sneakers off and sniffs, dabbing at the tears that are still falling and forces himself to stop them. Jisung takes longer than necessary getting water, his back turned to Felix for at least three minutes, but Felix appreciates the space he's giving him.

"Thanks," Felix smiles weakly when Jisung finally comes back, handing him the glass of cold water. Jisung sits down by his side and just looks at his hands. "I'm sorry about that."

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks and Felix nods, he wants to just be able to let it all out and breathe, he's been suffocating since yesterday.

"My mother, she-" his voice cracks and Felix curses under his breath when he feels his eyes watering again, he distracts himself by gulping down all the contents in the glass but it's not enough, he goes back to crying the more he thinks about his mother and all the pain her words caused him.

"Maybe talking right now is not a good idea," Jisung says and reaches out for Felix's hands. His hands are warm against Felix's, holding them tightly so he stops shaking. Felix mumbles an _okay_ at Jisung's words and closes his eyes, squeezing Jisung's hands hard without noticing, the boy winces and Felix lets go quickly.

"I'm sorry," he whines and feels embarrassed at the way his voice is trembling whenever he tries to speak. Jisung pats his back and pulls him into a hug, squeezing the air out of his lungs for a moment. Felix is a hugger, in fact he was going to ask Chan for some hugs earlier, but he wasn't going to demand this kind of thing from Jisung, so this action is a pleasant surprise. The warmth spreads through his body and he feels less tense, like he's protected from any harm.

They remain in that position for a long time, Jisung rubbing Felix's back in a soothing way that starts making him feel sleepy.

"How about a nap?" Jisung suggests when Felix yawns. "You're probably tired."

"Yeah, I am," he admits and feels sad when Jisung breaks the hug, standing up to open the couch for him. He throws the covers on top of Felix and sits back down by his side.

"What do you want for dinner tonight?" he asks, Felix has his eyes already closed but he peaks at Jisung with his left eye.

"Chicken soup?" Felix hesitates when he says it, he wonders if Jisung is going to judge his choice but it's one of his favorite comfort foods and he always had it whenever he felt at his worst and today feels like it's a perfect day for it.

"I know a place that has really good chicken soup," Jisung says in excitement. "I'm going to order in an hour, just rest and I'll wake you up when it's here."

"Alright," Felix says in contentment, he's really grateful at the fact that Jisung is not asking him questions and just helping him out, giving him space so he's able to recover and maybe talk it out when he feels better. Jisung turns the lights off and Felix has his eyes already closed, drifting off to sleep already. The last thing he feels is the weight of Jisung sitting down on the couch right by his side.

Jisung doesn't wake Felix up. He lets him sleep as much as he wants and keeps him company as he works on something. When Felix stirs awake, the clock tells him it's past midnight already.

"You didn't wake me up," Felix comments and Jisung hums.

"You were sleeping peacefully, I didn't want to interrupt," he says and puts the laptop aside. "But I got you the chicken soup, it's on the stove. I can heat it up for you."

"I can do that," Felix laughs and Jisung stares at him, the lights are off but the illumination coming from the laptop is enough to show that Jisung is being serious. "I'm going to shower then."

"Good," then Jisung leaves for the kitchen and Felix makes his way to the bathroom, taking a hot shower and putting on his fluffy set of pajamas, he feels like a child but it's his favorite one and it's a cold night too.

The moment Felix is back in the living room, Jisung is putting a steaming bowl on the table.

"Eat up," he says, sitting down at the table too. "Wanna talk about it now?"

"Now?" Felix questions, already starting to eat his soup.

"Talking over food is always good."

Felix agrees, nodding at Jisung but remaining quiet for a while.

"My mom has been a toxic presence most of my life," Felix finally says. "And it's taking a toll on me now that she's trying to force me into going back home for the holidays, she's been threatening and saying hurtful things to me."

He shoves more soup into his mouth so he focuses on the food and not the pang he feels whenever he remembers his mother's words. It seems to be enough for Jisung and he reaches out, squeezing Felix's hand briefly.

"I'll be here if you need someone to talk to," Jisung says, his smile is reassuring and Felix feels his anxiety melting away slowly. "I know how toxic parents can be."

They change the subject to something lighter and the rest of the weekend is spent binge watching Disney movies. By the time Chan is back on Sunday, Felix has fully recovered from his break down on Friday and is ready to enjoy the holidays.

After his meltdown, Felix notices how Jisung is always looking at him as though he's checking if he's doing alright. He only goes back to doing his things when Felix gives him an assuring smile, conveying the message that he's fine.

It's cute actually and Felix is grateful that someone has his back in case _that_ happens again.

He goes shopping in advance for Christmas gifts - mostly for Chan and Jisung since they're the only people he's going to see for this - and spends a little of the birthday money he got from his aunt, Chan's mother, to get himself a brand new book so he has something to distract himself until it's finally Christmas time.

Aside from that, he spends most of his time at home, watching television when he has nothing to do, trying out some new recipes that he thinks he'll be able to make and reading the stack of books he got at The Strand when they went there after their sightseeing hang out - it was cheap and Felix is a sucker for books.

Sometimes Jisung joins him in the kitchen. When he's baking cookies Jisung comes over to help out with the dishes, usually patting Felix's back after he's done, as if he's showing appreciation for the food and to tell Felix that he's doing great. It gives him a feeling of accomplishment.

They also marathon movies at night. Most of the time it's a random sappy movie since Felix and Jisung are babies who can't handle horror or too much violence. More often than not, they end up falling asleep halfway and Chan finds them leaning against each other in the morning - he even snaps a few pictures to have it recorded.

It's funny how Jisung becomes such a vital part of Felix's everyday life then. During his baking sessions, he makes everything thinking about giving it to Jisung and Chan but he often forgets to actually give Chan some of it, offering it to Jisung first and just then remembering his cousin - Chan surely notices that and keeps paying attention to them without Felix's noticing.

It all comes down to one fine afternoon, half a week before Christmas. Chan and Felix went out to do some grocery shopping and are already on their way back when Chan stops and asks Felix to sit down on the bench in front of their building.

Felix stares at his cousin in confusion.

"What's so important that you can't wait until we get inside? It's _freezing_ ," Felix says, shivering even though he has an extra layer of clothing because he's not used to this kind of weather.

"So, Jisung, huh?" Chan gives him a smug smile but Felix doesn't get what he's trying to say and only stares back in confusion.

"What do you mean?" Felix asks, not really sure if he wants to know.

Chan gives him _a look_ , raises his eyebrows in a weird way and stands back up. "Nothing," he says and is already typing out the password to get into the building, Felix runs after him in silence. Once back inside, the first sight is Jisung vacuum cleaning the living room, the main reason why he didn't go along with them.

The seed of doubt is planted and Felix spends hours trying to decipher what Chan was trying to hint.

Christmas passes and Felix is still hung up on that brief exchange with Chan. He put his mind into other things after that and just now it came back to him. He's sitting on the couch, covers over his legs and book in hands, his gaze wanders off to Jisung who's at the other side of the couch, still sleeping, and then it hits him.

He puts the book down and rubs his eyes, not believing how oblivious he was when the answer to Chan's question was right on his face.

_So, Jisung, huh?_

It's not that Felix is not aware of his own feelings but the fact that he hasn't been in love with anyone and that he can't really tell the difference between romantic and platonic is of no help either. He actually had been thinking about this lately but it was something at the back of his mind, now that it came to light he's even more thorn.

Not being one for making rash decisions, Felix decides to sleep on it for some more time, maybe try to ask for help from his friends once they're back from their vacations, which happens the following day much to his luck.

Minho sends him a message asking if Felix wants to come over for a late Christmas reunion at his house, he accepts it in the blink of an eye.

That's how Felix finds himself surrounded by Minho, Jeongin and Ryujin - Jisu is currently visiting her grandmother -, all of his friends listening intently to what Felix has to say.

"You like him then?" Ryujin asks, a smile on her lips when she says that. Felix shrugs, giving her a confused look.

"I totally called it before all of you," Jeongin announces and earns himself a glare from felix. "I mean, I thought you guys looked kinda cute together, you know? Why are you so confused?"

"Honestly, _I don't know_ ," Felix sighs and gazes at Minho, a little unusual of his friend for not saying anything yet. "What if I don't really like him like that?"

Minho snorts, putting a hand over his mouth as he laughs.

"You literally said hugging him and holding his hands felt nice," Minho finally speaks and sighs when Felix keeps giving confused looks at everyone. "God, that time the three of us went out it looked like I was third wheeling your date."

"Now you're exaggerating," Felix argues and crosses his eyes, frowning at the memory of that day. They did have fun but it didn't feel like a date for him, at least not from his perspective. "Ryujin, how did you know you liked Jeongin and Jisu?"

Everyone turns their attention to the girl.

"Uh, I don't know, I just liked their company a lot," she says and Jeongin nods, agreeing with her. "I didn't really give it too much thought, we went out all the time and had fun whenever we were together, I just kept wanting to be with them."

"In the end, it all comes down to how _you_ feel," Jeongin smiles when he says that. "Besides, it doesn't matter what we tell you, your experience is not going to be exactly like ours."

"I'd say you should just do your thing without thinking too much about it, it'll eventually come to you," Minho claps his hands after saying that and stands up. "Now, who wants to try my mom's eggnog?"

Everyone rushes after Minho into the kitchen.

Just like Minho's advice, Felix decides not to worry too much about it, he does pay attention to how he feels though. It's not like he starts sweating or gets nervous whenever he sees Jisung, it's a weird feeling that Felix can't really put a name to but he knows it's different. He's always expected that liking someone would turn him into a pile of nerves but he's oddly calm and relaxed about it.

So calm and relaxed that in the morning of the first day of the year, Felix wakes up and turns to the side, seeing that Jisung has his back turned to him and is just a few centimeters from him he doesn't think twice and just throws an arm over the boy. Jisung startles and rolls over so he's facing Felix, he has a question in his eyes, especially since Felix still has his arm on top of him.

"What are you doing?" Jisung mumbles, yawning and rubbing the sleep off his eyes. "What time is it?"

Felix's heart doesn't flutter but he feels it, he still can't put a name to it but it's there. Before he notices, he blurts out. "I think I like you."

As it is not something Jisung was expecting as reply, his cheeks redden at the sudden confession and covers his face with the blankets he had around himself.

"What?" Jisung says, voice muffled. "What are you talking about?"

And then Felix feels his stomach being all weird, maybe that's what they mean by butterflies in your stomach.

"I said that I think I like you," he repeats, more assertive this time, Jisung peeks at him from behind the covers and widens his eyes.

"Oh, really?" he asks and Felix nods, a smile on his lips. "I didn't know you were into guys too."

"I mean, I'm bisexual? I've never liked anyone before though," Felix replies and Jisung stares at him in awe, for some reason. "I did have this big crush on 'this anime character I'm not going to say the name' though."

That eases the atmosphere and Jisung bursts out laughing.

"Do you wanna go out tomorrow? It's Saturday and I wanna go ice skating," Felix asks and Jisung kicks the covers away.

"On a date?" Jisung asks with a sparkle in his eyes and felix nods, feeling shy now despite everything he had the courage to say minutes prior. "Yeah, sure."

"So you like me too?"

"I wonder," Jisung jokes and gets up, folding the blankets and urging Felix to help him out with the couch. "I like you too," Jisung says and just then Chan steps into the living room, he gives Jisung a smug smile and then whistles.

Felix turns to look at his cousin and gives him the stink eye, Chn only winks at him and goes into the kitchen to get himself something to eat.

"Don't forget about tomorrow," Felix says as he's getting himself ready to sleep, already under his covers. "We'll be leaving in the morning and then we'll also have lunch at a nice restaurant."

Jisung who's on his laptop, turns to Felix and nods.

"Do you still have things to work on?" Felix asks, yawning and feeling his eyes watering.

"Nah," Jisung closes the laptop and puts it down, the lights are already off so he only has to lie down and sleep. "Goodnight," Jisung says and Felix hears him moving around until he feels the couch dipping a little to his right, then Jisung reaches out for his hand and holds it between his.

"Goodnight," Felix replies in a whisper, Jisung squeezes his hand softly and they fall asleep just like that - it's the first time Felix sees Jisung sleeping early and he feels some type of pride at being able to witness and be part of it. He sleeps soundly that night.

When they wake up the next morning, they're still holding hands.

**Author's Note:**

> i had planned all of their majors but i didn't really get to make use of most of them but it goes like:
> 
> felix: creative writing (junior)  
> minho: computer science (senior)  
> jeongin: elementary education (sophomore)  
> lia: fashion design (sophomore)  
> ryujin: physical education (sophomore)
> 
> as for the cameos:
> 
> kevin (the boyz), nancy (momoland), mark (nct), lua (weki meki), hyunjin (stray kids, duh), theo (p1harmony), rina (weki meki), denise (secret number), sorn (clc), yoshi (treasure), yiren (everglow), giselle (aespa), allen (cravity), xion (oneus), alex (drippin'), eric (the boyz)
> 
> thanks for reading!! kudos and comments are appreciated :>
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/absolutehaechan)


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